


lawlessness

by itsallanoxymoron



Category: Sense8 (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Insecurity, Internalized Homophobia, Introspection, M/M, Missing Scene, i am so so glad this is canon, i am so used to giving and now i get to receive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-21 17:06:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14919411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsallanoxymoron/pseuds/itsallanoxymoron
Summary: Rajan watches Wolfgang pick up his wife and twirl her around; they look good together, like two halves of a whole—although that isn’t particularly true, with six of their other selves standing nearby. He feels a knot twist in his stomach; Rajan tells himself it’s jealousy.





	lawlessness

**Author's Note:**

> ok i've rewatched the special like twice already and in the middle of the third one i came up with this, in a very sporadic and rushed way.
> 
> i've always loved rajan, and i'm so glad that he was developed more in the special. he is genuinely a good man and i def did not think we would end up with an ot3 but here we are!!! i'm still shook.

 

 

_I would suggest there are no rules._

 

Before Kala, Rajan Rasal liked conventional women, as a rule.  Women that he knew his father would approve of: quiet, demure women who did not push back, who were traditionally submissive; women who hid their brilliance behind obligation.  As a young man, Rajan learned early that he had a responsibility to his father, to his family's company, to his own reputation, to marry well.  Manendra Rasal could indulge in some of his son's eccentricities, but on this he was very clear: _Marry a nice woman with whom you can have beautiful children_.  Anything less was forbidden.

For most of his life, Rajan kept this thought in mind when courting women, even before he realized all dates could eventually lead to courtship.  He knew that all the women he dated likely would have been loved by Manendra, save Kala.  Perhaps that is why Rajan knew she was the woman for him—his love, the only woman who he would have wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

One never has complete control over their heart; Rajan's love for Kala Dandekar blossomed, and his heart became the only part of him that was capable of rebellion.  This was no surprise.

In college, Rajan became friends with a brilliant boy, whose eyes were full of wonder and whose lips were always ready to sprout some nonsense about physics that Rajan could never _quite_  understand, no matter how hard he tried.  That boy made Rajan's heart flutter in his chest; he had never felt that way before or since.  (At least, not until Kala.)  

Once he recognized the feeling, Rajan broke off their friendship.  What would his father have said?  _This is a disgrace; how could you be a son of mine?  You disappoint me.  You_ disgust _me_.

He could hear the words hanging in the air, even though Manendra was not here and his son had not seen him in months.  Still, Rajan hardened his heart and let go—and it was the hardest thing he had ever done in his life.

He knew he could not lose Kala like that, could not let her slip through his fingers—not for his father, not for anyone.  He had made that mistake before.  He was not fool enough to make it again.

When Kala said yes, Rajan became the happiest man in the world.  It was a feeling that lasted for months, until she looked at him in shock and disappointment and horror about the watered down HIV drugs and he realized, _She's right. This is wrong_.  

His life had been nothing short of exciting after that.

And then: the emails.  From an international organization, sent in English, about how Kala was in danger, how important it was that they find her, to protect her, to keep her safe.  How it was imperative that she be found as soon as possible, that time was of the utmost importance.  That BPO was the only medical organization that could keep her alive. 

Kala.  His beautiful wife, who he'd sent to Paris so she would be safe.  Perhaps he never should have left her in the first place.  Now she was in danger, quite possibly because of him.  (The email was very vague.)

"Rajan!  What are you doing here?" is the first thing she says when she sees him.

And then they are running on the roofs of houses, and he's clutching God knows what, and he is so confused.  And then he receives an explanation and becomes even _more_  confused, and all this leads to the revelation that his wife is not _quite_  human, and that she has a lover, and that her lover is in danger and she can feel his pain, so obviously he must do everything he can to help them.  He cannot begrudge his wife her lover, especially not while he is still in danger; one never has complete control over the heart.

Yet his decision leads to this moment: Rajan watching Wolfgang pick up his wife and twirl her around; he realizes they look good together, like two halves of a whole—although that isn’t particularly true, with six of their other selves standing nearby. He feels a knot twist in his stomach; Rajan tells himself it’s jealousy.

It isn't quite true, and he knows it, deep down.  He tries his best to ignore the confusing tangle of feelings.  Rajan feels as though his heart will burst.

Wolfgang is nothing at all like Rajan expected, although he isn't quite sure _what_  he expected.  Rajan knew he was German, but other than that—nothing.  He desperately wanted to meet this man that Kala loved, as if it would give some sort of glimpse into his wife's soul, to show him how he failed to measure up.  Rajan expected a giant mass of a man, someone who could protect Kala from all the things that he himself could not—and, in a way, that _was_ Wolfgang.  Rajan felt painfully insecure; how could he ever measure up against a man like _that_?

If this was a fight, then he would surely lose.  But while Wolfgang seemed cool and confident, he didn't seem nearly as emotionally adept as Rajan believed himself to be.  So perhaps there still might be hope, if Kala should choose between them, for her to pick Rajan—if only to fulfill her emotional needs.  His money might do him well, too.  He knows that he should not think of his wife's affections as a prize that could be won, but Rajan isn't quite sure how else to think of it.  At least if it was a battle, he might win; Rajan would feel less inadequate, less worthless, if Kala could love him more.

But as Wolfgang gave his speech at dinner that night, Rajan thought that he was starting to see the beginnings of what Kala must see.  He begins to understand why his wife loves this man, who for all his bravado and cool confidence seems genuinely happy to be having dinner with everyone.

"I have lived much of my life with one friend, with my one brother.  And I never knew what it was like to have people in your life that would fight for someone like me.  Thank you."

Wolfgang must have lived such a lonely life before this.  Rajan _yearns_ ; he doesn't want to admit to himself just exactly what he yearns for.

And then Lito is saying, "You big German lug!  We love you!" and hugging Wolfgang, and then everyone is hugging everyone else, and Rajan is wrapped up in the love of it all.  He doesn't fail to notice Wolfgang kissing Kala's hair.

He thinks that he has never been more glad that someone else loves Kala, that someone else in the world realizes how special and _amazing_  she is.  And Wolfgang seems like a good man; his wife could have fallen in love with a worse person.  Not for the first time, Rajan wishes he could neatly and precisely cut himself out of the picture, so that Kala could be free to be with this man whom she so clearly adores.  If he could snap his fingers and erase all his feelings for Kala, he would do it without hesitation if it was what made her happy.

For Kala, he could do anything.

 

* * *

 

Kala never fails to surprise him.  Wolfgang never fails to surprise him either, it seems.  He is lounging on their bed in a relative state of undress, and he pats the mattress suggestively.  Kala looks at him and tilts her head.  She bites her lip, and in her eyes Rajan can read all that she does not say.

Distantly, Rajan can hear his father spit, _You disgust me_  in his ear.  He pushes that voice away.

So, he and his wife do not have a conventional marriage.  It's his life, not his father's.  He is tired of feeling afraid.  He is tired of feeling like a taut wire; he is ready to let the tension go.  He is ready—maybe not to name this feeling between himself and Wolfgang, but at the very least to acknowledge it.

Rajan loves Kala.  He thinks he could learn to love Wolfgang, too.

In the morning, he wakes to the smell of chai and coffee.  He looks over at Kala's other side to find the bed empty.  Rajan wonders, vaguely, if last night was all a dream, some fantasy he made up that he will have to confront in the safety of his own home.  But no: Wolfgang appears, expertly carrying three mugs in his two hands.

"I know you drink your coffee with two sugars," Wolfgang whispers to him.  Rajan furrows his brow.  "Kala notices."

Rajan just nods and takes the cup, wondering if he'll ever stop being surprised by these two.  He hopes not.

"Thank you," he says as Kala begins to stir between them.

"Is that coffee?" she asks sleepily.

"Tea for you," answers Wolfgang.  "I could tell you didn't want coffee."

"Thank you."  Kala accepts the cup graciously as she sits up.  Her stomach growls.  "Do you think we'll all be eating breakfast together?  Everyone, I mean, not just us."

Wolfgang shrugs.  Rajan is thinking that one of them could just ask someone else in the cluster, isn't that how this thing works?  But then Kala's stomach makes another noise and Rajan volunteers to whip up something small, to tide her over.

In the daylight, Rajan wonders what he was thinking last night.  He's not ashamed to have done it, but no one has said a single word about the future.  And what if Wolfgang or Kala begins to regret last night?  They could talk about it between themselves and he would never know.

Rajan is sure that they would never keep something so important from him, but he's so full of anxiety that he can't be sure.  His own stomach grumbles as he searches for ingredients.  Maybe he should really worry about breakfast before trying to get his whole romantic life in order.

He hears Kala laugh from the bedroom, the sound like a tinkling bell.  Moments later, Wolfgang appears.  "I have been sent to help you with breakfast."

"Thank you?" Rajan mumbles, awkwardly.  He feels stupid to be feeling this shy.

"It's alright," says Wolfgang.  "I don't bite.  Yet."  He gives a lopsided grin, and Rajan can't help but laugh.  He feels like a nervous, lovesick schoolboy.

Wolfgang places a hand on his cheek, rubbing a thumb over the stubble.  He leans forward and kisses him, softly.  "Don't worry," he murmurs.  "We'll figure this out."

Rajan knows he isn't just talking about breakfast.

Together, they manage to scrape up something decent for the three of them to share.  "Come on," Wolfgang says, hands full, making a motion with his head to indicate that he and Rajan should go to the other room.  "Our lady awaits."

Rajan grabs a pitcher full of orange juice and three glasses, and follows him.


End file.
